Zorak's Horrorscopes
Zorak's Horrorscopes Is A Skit On Cartoon Planet That Features Zorak Prediciting People's Futures By Using Their Zodiac Signs, Much Like Horoscopes. (Hence The Name Of The Sketch) Zodiac Symbols Featured * Aries "Well, Aries, simply put, your love life stinks. Just kidding. *chuckles* Actually, today's your lucky day. For today, true love will surely come your way. *snickers* Not really. *chuckles* Oh. What's this? My goodness, you're being run over by a truck! Ha ha. No, no no no no no. Just joshin' ya. Hmm. The fact of the matter is your star's sort of fogged in today. Maybe you'd better just stay in bed and watch your stories." * Taurus "Stop with the caveman fantasy, Conan! It's time you washed your hair. It smells funny. While you're at it, you might as well wash all over. Stop using water conservation as an excuse to be stinky. You know why your girlfriend hasn't complained about it? Cuz she won't come near you, that's why!" * Gemini "As a result of the earmuff incident, your roommate now thinks you're completely evil! When friends call, she tells them you're out jogging...with the devil! Plus, she believes the only way to save you is by eating the meat portions of your frozen dinners. Time to bury the hatchet...so to speak." * Cancer "You're a man after me own heart. *Popeye chuckle* You don't take nothin' from nobody. But you might wanna cut your sweetie some slack. The other day, when she asked you to pass the sugar, you started ranting and raving about being your own man and not taking orders from any stupid girl! Hey...all she wanted was a little sugar." * Leo "It's time to stop dressing like Strawberry Shortcake. It's creepy. A hairy guy like you should leave the pink dresses and striped tights at home. I know you got big laughs in the 2nd grade and all the girls wanted to sit by you, but now the only girl who will come near you is your shrink! Face it, it's not cute anymore." * Virgo "You thought Peggy-Sue would be surprised by your little spur of the moment visit. She was. You scared the pants off her, literally. But fear not, that certain someone that pointed out that you had a booger on your shirt has forgotten the whole incident. *chuckles*" * Libra "I'm sorry to report that in the next few months, you'll discover a large ugly lump on your neck. It's your head! *evil laugh* So, don't pick at it. It'll just make it worse. *evil laugh* Hey, does your hurt hurt? We'll it's killing me! *evil laugh* I love this job." * Scorpio "Emphasis on travel, communication, and problem solving. Start with figuring out how to use your deodorant. Also, your moon position is disturbing. Spandex no longer flatters you. Too many cheeseburgers, I fear. Today, try saying no to ground meat, processed cheese, and salt buns. Thank you." * Sagittarius "Your roommate is out to get you. You think he's being nice when he folds your laundry, but he's actually wearing your underwear around before he puts it in your drawer. And he's out to steal your girlfriend, too. Maybe you should buy her some chocolates. And I don't mean Tootsie Rolls, palsy! Buy her the expensive assorted kind with the gooey unpredictable centers! If that don't work...beg." * Capricorn "Focus on fiance, frisbee throwing, and fish chowder. Today, a seldom heard from family member will declare, "Cross my path again and you're history!" So, better watch your backside. Oh, and stop singing in the shower so much. You're scaring grandma." * Aquarius "Hey, Aquarius! Who do you think you are? Aquaman? Get out of the tub already! Nothing wrong with bathing now and then, but people are starting to talk about how much time you're spending in the tub! What are you doing in there anyway? You'd better stop singing that stupid Age of Aquarius song and start singing Superfreak, 'cuz that's what you're turning into, buddy!" * Pisces "Learn to live life to the fullest. Start with a big breakfast. But hey, nobody lives forever. Stop with the fiber already. Oh, and I see good financial news in your future...in about 30 or 40 years! *evil laugh*"